When is too young for it to be socially acceptable to use adult diapers? Asking for a friend.
My girlfriend’s ex, Bob, is a jerk. So is their kid. The other day I told the brat, “Your mother told me that next Father’s Day she thought you should spend time with your real dad instead of Bob.” I’m single again.
There’s something called The Big Lie. It’s something like, that if you repeat a lie often enough you will begin to believe it. Now I’m the smartest man in any room I walk into, have six pack abs and when I walk naked through the stables on the farm the horses lower their heads in shame.
I once heard that no one on their death bed thought, “I had too much sex”. By that logic I won’t be thinking, “I drank too much beer”.
I realized too late in life that I was born to lead the life of the idle rich like a trust fund baby. But my parents screwed me over by being poor.
I like to tell people I’m a rebel. What I really mean is I don’t understand what you’re talking about, so I act like I’m against it.
My ex never wanted to use my car to pick up her kids. I kept telling her, you don’t need brakes if you know how to downshift.
The guys at work say I tell the same jokes over and over. I can’t help that I’m the funniest guy they know. (see The Big Lie)
When did I start grunting when using the bathroom? Maybe I’m getting old. I do have to clean the hair off my earbuds more often lately.
Talking to yourself isn’t a sign of insanity. It’s the realization that you’re the only one who knows what you’re talking about.
I was once told that if you meet an asshole in the morning, they’re an asshole, but if everyone you meet all day is an asshole, you’re the asshole. Ain’t true, everyone I meet really is an asshole.
Anyone blame the dog when they fart? I don’t. I always admit it. I take pride in my accomplishments. The worse they are, the more beer and nachos I had to consume to produce them. Sometimes it’s the small accomplishments that make us who we are and that’s not always a bad thing.
Seriously, I need an answer on the diapers thing. Tomorrow is taco and chili night at the all you can eat buffet.