More and more I find myself looking out the window with a clenched fist ready to shake just in case I see any damn kids on my lawn.
Dinner at 4 PM just feels right.
I’m starting to find old women in their 30’s attractive.
I go to the strip club just for the food.
Sometimes I have to find a teenager to help me with my smart phone… I still remember party lines; no damned teenager remembers those.
I start sentences with, “Back in my day…”.
I measure time in decades… “That was 10-20 years ago”
I don’t listen to music that hasn’t been around for at least 20-30 years.
After the 6th beer I think to myself, “Maybe I’ve had enough to drink this morning… I should get out of bed and get to work.”
When I shave my upper lip the razor gets caught in my nose hair… and the women I date are old enough to have the same problem.
I remember the first time I sat on my balls. What the hell happened down there?!
Sometimes a bag of chips and a nap sounds better than sex.
I fool myself into believing myths like “With age comes wisdom.”
I have closed captioning on my TV and I can’t read it because I can’t find my glasses… but they’ve been on my head the whole time.
I often shake my head and think “Kids these days…” and can’t finish the thought because I forgot what I was thinking about.
Getting old sucks. I can’t hear. I can’t see. I forget what I was doing. I need foreplay now just to get it to move… and that’s when I’m alone!! Hair everywhere except my on top of my head. I need 3 naps a day instead of just 2. Anybody that says they’re aging gracefully is in denial and full of shit. The only good thing about getting older is that I can be a cranky bastard and people will smile and think I’m just an old man in “one of his moods”. I’m getting closer to the age where I can get away with ranting on about conspiracy theories, saying exactly what I think and telling everyone to Piss Off! I can’t wait. I may not get any wiser with age, but the closer I get to shaking hands with the Devil maybe I can have some fun messing with people. After all, it’s the little things in life that can make you happy.