Gettin’ Old

More and more I find myself looking out the window with a clenched fist ready to shake just in case I see any damn kids on my lawn. 

Dinner at 4 PM just feels right. 

I’m starting to find old women in their 30’s attractive. 

I go to the strip club just for the food. 

Sometimes I have to find a teenager to help me with my smart phone… I still remember party lines; no damned teenager remembers those.

I start sentences with, “Back in my day…”.   

I measure time in decades… “That was 10-20 years ago”

I don’t listen to music that hasn’t been around for at least 20-30 years.

After the 6th beer I think to myself, “Maybe I’ve had enough to drink this morning… I should get out of bed and get to work.”

When I shave my upper lip the razor gets caught in my nose hair… and the women I date are old enough to have the same problem.

I remember the first time I sat on my balls.  What the hell happened down there?!

Sometimes a bag of chips and a nap sounds better than sex.

I fool myself into believing myths like “With age comes wisdom.”

I have closed captioning on my TV and I can’t read it because I can’t find my glasses… but they’ve been on my head the whole time.

I often shake my head and think “Kids these days…” and can’t finish the thought because I forgot what I was thinking about.

Getting old sucks.  I can’t hear.  I can’t see.  I forget what I was doing.  I need foreplay now just to get it to move… and that’s when I’m alone!!  Hair everywhere except my on top of my head.  I need 3 naps a day instead of just 2.  Anybody that says they’re aging gracefully is in denial and full of shit.  The only good thing about getting older is that I can be a cranky bastard and people will smile and think I’m just an old man in “one of his moods”.   I’m getting closer to the age where I can get away with ranting on about conspiracy theories, saying exactly what I think and telling everyone to Piss Off!  I can’t wait.  I may not get any wiser with age, but the closer I get to shaking hands with the Devil maybe I can have some fun messing with people. After all, it’s the little things in life that can make you happy.

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