Drunken Thoughts

Why is everyone always telling me to have a good day? I go through the drive through and I’m told to have a nice day. I’m paying you to give me food not to be told what to do! I clock out at work and I’m told to have a nice day. I’m off the clock, you can’t tell me what to do anymore! And you the hell gave you the power to give away good days like candy at Halloween anyway? Did it ever even occur to you I don’t want a good day? Maybe I just had two good days in a row and am tired and need a break. Don’t be telling me what to do! (Something tells me I may have ripped this off from George Carlin, but he’s dead and hopefully his lawyer is too. My condolences, apologies and credit to a great thinker. To his lawyer, I’m already broke so piss off!)

What is it with the rise of the cartoon women? I’m talking about the Kardashian type. Huge fake butt that looks like they’re hiding a couple of baby hippos down their pants (how the hell can you even sit down?!), fake boobs that look like balloons about to burst, lips that look like two freakishly large earthworms mating and a facial expression that looks like they’re trying to suck the proverbial golf ball through a garden hose. I don’t get it. I blame parents letting TV, internet, smart phones and cartoons raise their kids. When you’re staring at The Powerpuff Girls all day, never go outside or see a girl in real life you probably start to think that’s what a woman should look like. Sure, back in the day I had a thing for Jessica Rabbit for all of five minutes just like every other horny young punk at an age when the women’s underwear section of the Sears catalog and the breeze from a fan was all it took to get you going. But give me a natural looking woman with thin lips, flat ass, nagging voice and hairy upper lip just like God intended! At least they’re real and won’t start leaking in weird places and require a tune up every 3000 miles; low maintenance and leaking in all the normal places, that’s what a real woman is!

Sorry PC people but there is such a thing as a fat person. They are not “healthy sized”, “ample”, “buxom” or “living with obesity”. They’re frickin’ fat! Obese! Planetoid! Have they’re own gravity!  And why do these people wear spandex or tight shirts that show every curve and lump of lard and go around showing skin rolling over their waistline like dough spilling out of a mixing bowl. And don’t get me started on Spandex. Fat is not healthy and it’s not fun to look at. I just ate for God’s sake! And before anyone thinks they’ll point out that I just might be slightly overweight myself, I’m not. I’m horizontally challenged and short for my weight.

Do you know that there are several studies showing that stupid people are too stupid to know that they’re stupid? If you don’t think you’re stupid maybe you should look it up, you might learn something about yourself.

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