I’m announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. The year will be determined later as in the grand tradition of politics I will first be creating a committee to create an exploratory committee to determine the viability of my candidacy. And of course, these committees will cost a shit ton of wasted money. And by wasted, I mean the committee will be wasted after the first keg runs dry and we’ll need a second one, so I will be asking for donations. Check your email.
This country has gone to hell. You know it and I know it. Everybody says so, so it must be true. I’ve even read it on the Internet before I blacked out after a fifth of Kentucky’s finest.
Reagan was wrong, the nine most terrifying words in the English language are really, “Shit, the keg is dry and strip club closed.” Under my administration all liquor stores will be open 24 hours a day. Strippers will be free to dance anywhere, at any time. Is it not your right to get a lap dance at 8 A.M. after regaining consciousness after a night of binge drinking? Beer, cigarette and liquor subsidies will take priority. Student loans will be forgiven for all strippers dancing their way through college.
We need leadership that understands technology. Look for us on AOL and My Space. You won’t catch me wiping comprising emails from my hard drive. Or dropping off my laptop, full of evidence of my Russian collusion, to be repaired. I don’t know where to buy stamps for email and I don’t own a laptop because my Nintendo 64 works just fine.
Both parties have been around too long, and they wont’ change. One side clings to their birth control and gender neutral dolls and cry in their safe spaces while letting the extremists in their party incite and carry out violence. The other side says your grandma it going to hell for taking a toke to ease her rheumatism, that there’s a commie behind every tree and lets the extremists in their party incite and carry out violence. This is stupid. Everyone knows that just clinging to birth control won’t work, read the directions. And commies don’t hide behind trees, it obstructs their vision, it’s easier to hide in the bushes where you can see through the leaves while still remaining camouflaged. As president I will call out those extremists and force them to fight in the Thunderdome. By selling tickets and Pay Per View we could raise money to pay down the debt or fund my proposed programs like Drink Your Way Out of Hangovers and Dance School for Strippers.
Like the campaign promises of old, I promise a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken with every bag of pot and a balding middle-aged Motley Crue cover band in every garage.
Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what your country can do for me. I need more beer money and a new humidor… and a ’68 Mustang Fastback too.
Vote for hope and change. Vote early and often and always have hope, hope for enough change in the couch to pay the cable bill… there’s a Knight Rider marathon coming up.
Don’t swap horses while pissing in a stream, you might fall in. I know from experience it’s not easy pissing while riding a horse and I swear the son of bitch started laughing when he saw me whip it out… it was cold out!
Look for me on the campaign trail kissing hands and shaking babies. The buck will always stop with me, because I’ll make sure it’s safe in my wallet, until I pass it along to the cashier at Walmart for a new Kid Rock CD or a new healing crystal, I am open minded after all.
It’s morning in America and it’s time to wake and bake and start down the highway to a better America. So, Tippecanoe and a beer too and vote for me.