New Year’s Resolutions

Stop going to strip clubs.  Internet porn is cheaper, and I don’t have to look at the ugly ones.

Save money.  I’ll stop paying my bills.

Keep smoking.  No one likes a quitter.

Lose weight.  Why?  The only thing I care about getting fatter is my wallet.

Get more exercise.  My bladder is already taking care of that.  It’s 12 steps from my recliner to the bathroom and the older I get the more often I have to go.  12 steps… seems like that should remind me of something…

Save energy.  Gonna put a mini fridge next to the recliner, no sense it wasting all that energy walking to the fridge for beer and snacks.

See my kids more often.  First, I have to find out where they are… and remember their names.

Eat healthier.  I wonder if you can deep fry a salad.

Drink less.  I’ll drink more hard liquor and less beer, more alcohol per volume.  I’ll save the beer for when I’m not in the mood to drink.

Watch less TV.  I’ll watch more game shows, so I’ll fall asleep quicker in my recliner.

Take more pride in my yard.  Maybe I’ll mow the lawn this year.

Drive safer.  Shouldn’t be a problem, they took my license and impounded my truck last year.

Be kinder.  Instead of laying on the horn and screaming at that jackass who cut me off I’ll just use my middle finger instead.  I think her kids in the back seat were getting scared anyway.

Recycle.  I’ll compost all that deep fried salad I won’t eat.

Waste less.  No sense in letting that half a beer I left go to waste after I passed out last night.  Hell, the English drink warm beer, why can’t I?

Read a book.  Just kidding.

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